The Way She Feels
by BlackBeltInAwesome
Summary: Evelyn hasn't have the best time of her life. This story goes into detail of her daily struggles and how she copes with everything that goes on in her messed up life with the help of Kenneth. But what happens when her mother decides to send her away?
1. She's Upset, Bad Day

**Kinda rusty but please give me mercy. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW AND THEN I WILL UPDATE WITH CHAPTER 2. (: Thanks. 3**

I awoke to my three alarm clocks playing at once since it seemed that I could never wake up to just one. I threw my thin sheets up and over my legs as I crawled out my loving bed. It was Wednesday, four thirty in the morning. I was tired, delusional, and just worn out from the day before.

I dressed in my skinnies and a 3-qauter-length green shirt, throwing my gray jacket over it. As I was doing my hair, my mother came in. She had recently found out that I cut my hair but was too blind to see I dyed it as well. As I was finishing some of the touches on my hair, she just stared.

"Do you need to use the bathroom?" I asked her, a piece of my bang in my mouth as I tried to keep it separated from another piece I was working on.

"When were you going to tell me you had a boyfriend?"

… CRAP.

Before I continue on, let me just put down the basics. My mother doesn't let me date which I see is unfair as I am fifteen, still in school getting straight A's and B's, and doing my regular chores around the house. I've been dating the love of my life, Kenneth, for almost three months now without her knowing and I have just gotten caught.

"Never," I simply reply with. "Because I knew you would freak out like this the moment I did."

"That still didn't give you a reason to go behind my back and do it! I guess I have to go back to being the bitch I was in the old house now isn't I? I've been quiet far too long!" And with that she's gone.

I finish my hair and get a call from her on my cell phone.

"I'm outside in the car; hurry the fuck up because I have to go the back way to work and I'm not waiting for your sorry ass."

She hangs up as a few tears threaten to run down my cheeks but I just wait until I can get away from her. I grab my backpack and sling it over one shoulder as I take the phone from the bathroom counter and head outside.

In the car, all is silent. My mom is driving with one hand like she's been doing for months ever since she's met her boyfriend.

I never really did understand why she did that. She's on the phone with her boyfriend while he's sleeping. Does she like to hear his damn snoring all the time? It seems like that's all he does on the phone.

I put my earphones in just as she tells me to wake my brother up. In a few minutes, we swerve a corner so that she can drop me off at my cousin's.

"Bye mommy." I say almost silently as I close the car door. She drives away almost instantly as I walk up the six flights of stairs to the third floor of my cousin's apartment/condo.

Tears are shedding down my cheeks now and my vision is blurred as I knock on his door. He answers after the third knock and sees me. I walk in, heading straight to the kitchen to put my bag down as he follows after and wraps me in his arms.

"Lyn, what happened?" Adam asked, his voice filled with concern.

"I hate my mom. She can die and go to hell already." I muffled into his shirt.

It hit five fifty, the time we were supposed to leave to catch the bus, to finish telling Adam what had happened.

At the bus stop, he looked dead at me in the face. "Just relax Lyn. You'll be out of there sooner or later; it's just a matter of time now."

I shrug in response. I didn't care anymore; my life couldn't possibly get worse than it was now.

And before I could reply, the bus pulled up. I smiled at the thought of being able to leave my life behind and go to my school that's an hour away.

I got on the bus and saw my best friend already sitting in our seat. I smiled weakly as I saw her and scooted in to sit next to the window.

"What happened?" Jen asked as soon as I turned toward her.

"Are my eyes still that puffy?" I asked, touching underneath them. I frowned as she nodded and made me repeat my morning to her.

"Wow. Just try to forget about it." I nodded just as her ex-boyfriend Jason came on the bus and took the seat next to us. She put her right earphone in and raised the volume on her iPod as she stared directly at me.

"Things are still pretty bad with him, huh?"

"Even worse. I want to kill him. He was talking to Jeremy yesterday while he was walking me to the bus."

I fake-shuddered and made a face at Jason. He didn't see only because he was staring out his window.

I sighed and looked at Jen. "Can we put both earphones in today?" I asked, reaching for my phone so I could play my music.

She nodded and the long bus ride to school began.

* * *

><p>I gagged as Jen and I walked to the back of building twenty-six, the building we always went to for some odd reason.<p>

"The Stench filled the whole bus this time!" Jen complained, fixing her shirt.

I nodded, looping my right arm through her left. "Suicidal flies go near her just to drop dead and end life." I said.

Jen gave me a look and we chuckled a bit before heading to the back. A few minutes after we arrived, Kenneth came by. I smiled at him and he smiled back, Jen making a face as she crossed her arms over her chest and waited for her boyfriend Jeremy.

After messing around a few more minutes, Jeremy came to the rescue and took Jen from me. Now that I was by myself, I went walking around the patch of grass behind the building that we hung out at. Kenneth followed me and at one point we stopped. I turned to face him, placing my hands in my pockets of my sweater as he did the same.

"You know, being depressed isn't going to get you anywhere." He muttered, staring intently at me as I glanced everywhere else but his green eyes.

"Evelyn you can't let it affect you this way. You need to push it to the back of your mind and be happy. No one likes seeing you upset and if you smile, everyone smiles. It's a train reaction and I'm a pro at this. You at least would have to be one of the people to know this."

He reached out and I placed my hand in his as he pulled me close. I put my hands in his sweater pockets and we gripped onto each other like there was no tomorrow.

"I know. It's just hard to be happy. The only time I can truly show that emotion is whenever I'm with you so I use depression to get through my day until I see you again." I replied quietly, my voice descending as I got towards the end of my statement. He nodded and used his right hand to run his fingers through my hair, pushing my bangs back.

I stepped back and put them forward again.

"Why'd you do that? You look pretty with your hair back." He muttered, bringing me close again.

"I don't like my forehead. I haven't even worn my bangs back once this year."

He pushed my bangs back again and shrugged. "I see nothing wrong with it. Just look at mine." He did the same motion to his own hair and I looked down.

His right hand met my neck and I was filled with a chilling sensation that I found oddly attractive. I smiled weakly and did a 'thumbs up' motion to make him less serious. He chuckled and then tilted my head back as he planted a long, sweet kiss upon my lips.

My fingers curled around his and he pulled back.

"I love you." He whispered, almost shaking.

I smiled and moved closer so that our chests were touching. I looked up deeply into his eyes. "I love you too." I murmured as the bell for first period sounded.

I rolled my eyes as Kenneth took my hand and walked back towards the building.

* * *

><p>Now was the worst time of my life. Everyone thought I was depressed over what my mom had said to me but actually, I didn't give a damn. What had me like this was the fact that I had to tell Kenneth something that would kill the both of us.<p>

"I can't believe I'm gonna do this." I whispered walking to third period.

Third period was my computer class which I just so happened to have with Kenneth. I frowned as tears rimmed my eyes.

I got to the door and saw Chris there already.

"Hey Boricua!" He said to me. I faintly smiled and replied with "Hey Cubano!"

That was something we always did for a reason, I don't know what.

When we sat down and got our things together, he told me to get on Yahoo so we could chat.

I honestly didn't see the point when we sat next to each other but it was easier for me like this anyways. And I did find it kind of cute and sweet.

I looked over at him and smiled faintly before turning back to my computer screen and signing in to Yahoo.

"You know I love you right? And that we're human and we all make mistakes?" I sent him the I.M. before he could type anything else.

He responded with "yea why?" and I took a deep breath.

"I did something bad. And I don't want to break up with you or anything but I don't know how you'll take it and I'm hoping you can forgive and forget." I pressed send and went to play a game.

I looked over at him and his eyes met mine with such fear that I wanted to cry.

"depends.. wat did u do?" He sent back.

My heart was beating at a million miles per hour and I wanted to scream and the top of my lungs and rip my hair out.

Instead, I calmly wiped my hands on my pants and began typing again.

"I kissed another guy. He's someone I know and we were hanging out yesterday and he just kissed me. Twice."

I turned to see his expression. Anger and almost something that looked like hate flashed through his eyes. I cringed, pursing my lips as I waited for him to say something.

But just then, his face changed. He looked tired, worn-out and very, very sad. It killed me inside. I felt like I had a glass heart filled with red liquid that burst inside of me.

I wanted to take it all back but it was already too late.

"wat kind of kiss and why" He continued his game and didn't bother looking at me.

I wiped a tear away and went back to typing.

"Lip locking. No tongue involved but it wasn't just a peck either. No reason."

…

"Wait, there was a reason. He wanted his shoes back and something for giving me a ride home. /:"

I shouldn't have said that.

I could just imagine what Kenneth was thinking and then… he typed it.

"wat the fuck! That's not a fcking reason.. just… give me a few mins to breathe.."

I nodded and replied "okie."

I knew I shouldn't have done it. I didn't want to keep the secret inside of me but I didn't want this to happen either. Now he's going to break up with me, I'm going to go back into depression and.. and..

What did I do?


	2. Nothing Good Can Come Of This

He logged off.

I signed out of my Yahoo and started to play one of the only online games that weren't blocked.

I felt like dying right there and then on the spot. I can't believe I did such a thing. What was wrong with me?

First a freak, weirdo, any other name in the book! But now I was probably classified as a cheater.

I looked over at Kenneth and saw him talking to a girl that was on his right. I sighed and did my work for the rest of the period.

Once third period ended, we walked out and he took my hand as he guided us through the hall. Once out of the building, I looked up at him.

"Are you mad at me?" I just had to ask.

But all Kenneth did was shake his head. "Not mad at you. More mad at this guy." He looked straight ahead, his blonde-ish hair covering my view of his face.

There was a long silence as we got closer to my fifth period- English. "Are you going to break up with me?" I choked on the word 'break' as a tear came off the corner of my eye.

Kenneth didn't reply until we were next to my fifth period's door. "Never. We can just forget about this. Or at least try to." He moved his hands to my waist and I smiled briefly.

"I love you so much." I whispered, moving my right hand to his neck and playing at his collar bone.

His other hand snatched up to take mine, startling me a bit. "Don't do that. You make emotions run through me that I've never felt before." He grabbed my hand with a force so strong, I crumpled into him.

"I have to go to class. See you at lunch." He murmured into my ear. I looked up and smiled a bit as he leaned down to plant a kiss on my lips.

He walked away from me that moment but he refused to walk out of my life that day. And I'll love him forever for that.

Fifth period dragged on but finally finished as I met up with Jen and Jeremy. We walked out of the building, Jeremy going down the gravel to get his lunch as Jen and I walked to the vending machine to meet up with Kenneth.

None of us had money so we decided to head to our spot in between the science buildings near the vending machines there.

I threw my bag on the ground in front of one of the pillars and sat in front of a pair of doors that wouldn't open without a key. Kenneth sat down next to me and pulled out his friend's iPod touch. Jen stood in front of the pillar where the bags were as she waited for Jeremy to arrive.

I sat there and played with my phone while I waited for Kenneth to take notice in my existence but he continued playing with the iPod. I looked up to see Jen giving me a glare. I nodded.

She knew what I had done and she was the one who told me that I HAD to tell Kenneth. She raised her eyebrows and gave me a questioning look. I shrugged and she gave me a small smile.

I smiled back and then Kenneth turned the iPod off just as Jeremy came.

The rest of the lunch and day went pretty smoothly. Kenneth walked me to my bus and we departed unwillingly. He didn't have a phone. He was waiting for the phone company to fix his and send it back but it has been over a month already. So I didn't get my hopes up that he'd be able to contact me.

The bus ride home was a bit crazy and I stayed at Jen's until my mom picked me up.

.

"Why couldn't Nick pick you up?" She questioned me, looking straight ahead with the phone glued to her ear.

"He's working." I replied, lowering the window so that the air could calm my heated face.

"Fucking asshole never wants to do shit. Always making me do it and I'm sick of it…" I hear her mumbling.

What the hell is she talking about? My step dad Nick is always cleaning, cooking, and doing stuff for us three kids. SHE'S the one who doesn't do anything.

I breathed through my nose and tried to ignore her but she kept rambling on and on and on.

"Evelyn, I think I'm going to send you to live with your father this weekend." My mother finally said.

WHAT?

"Doesn't he still live in Orlando?" I asked, my hands shaking. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't be.

Oh, but it was.

"I'm sure you'll do fine over there. At least better than how you've been acting here."

"MOM, why can't I go during the summer? I only have about two more months' left- NOT EVEN! PLEASE!" I started to beg, the tears rolling down my cheek.

"Evelyn, I've made my decision. I already purchased your ticket for Saturday morning. I need you to start packing your stuff as soon as we get home. You only have two days left." She parked the car in the driveway in front of our house, pulling the key out of the ignition with a final glance at me.

"Who knows? Maybe you'll like it better up there." I shook my head at what she was saying.

Has my mother gone insane?

I ran out the car with my bag and into the house, heading straight for my room and locking the door.

I slid down the wall next to my door, my butt hitting the floor with a slight thud. The tears were blurring my vision.

I took my jacket off and threw it across the room, and then I dug into my bag to find my scissors.

The tears started to stop and I wiped the remaining away. I looked down at my wrist and took all the bracelets I had on- off.

I opened the scissors and pressed one of the blades onto my wrist, the feeling so natural and welcoming. I pushed down and then moved the blade sideways as a pink line started to rise. A few drops of blood surfaced and I smiled, feeling a little better. This was one of the only things I could ever control in my life. One of the things I could handle.

I did this twenty-three more times before I finally put the bloody scissors away. I watched my arm as it bled. It wasn't massive but enough to make me have to get up and find my bandages. I put a wristband on, changed my clothes, and went to bed. Not bothering to pack anything.

The next day at school, I told everyone what happened the night before with my mother. Of course, I didn't tell them about the scissors so I left that little detail out.

"What the fuck!" Kenny exclaimed, his eyes growing bigger. The expression used to make me laugh but all I wanted to do was cry.

"Evelyn, you can't be serious." Jen said quietly. This was how I knew she was really pissed off.

I frowned and nodded my head. Even Jeremy's eyes were large with surprise. I'm pretty sure he had no idea what to say.

"I have to start packing my stuff. Today and tomorrow are my last days." I murmured. Jen turned to Jeremy, her hands covering her face as he wrapped his arms around her and I heard the crying.

"Jen please don't-"

"Just give me a few minutes Evelyn." She managed to say. I felt another set of fresh tears threaten to spill over and when I turned and look at Kenneth, that's exactly what they did.

In one step, he was standing in front of me, towering over my body like he's always done. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck, burrowing my face into his shoulder. He ran his hands up and down my back, trying to calm me but I could tell he was just as mad as everyone else was.

If anything, more.

"What're you going to do today?" He asked me, his voice sounding too calm for me.

I looked up as he stared into my eyes with his green ones. "I already told my step dad to come and get me from school instead of taking the bus. And I called your mom and asked already. But, you're coming home with me to help me pack."

I saw the look on his face. He was disappointed that my step dad hadn't tried to do anything but he also knew that my step dad wouldn't.

"Even the slightest bit of time we spend together has to be made worth it." I mumbled to him, looking over his shoulder at the wall. I wiped the tears resting on my cheeks, my jacket sleeve falling as I did so.

Kenneth saw it. He's seen it. What have I done now?

He looked around, I guess making sure that Jen and Jeremy were nowhere in sight. Then, one of his hands flew up and caught my arm.

"What's this?" He questioned. I looked down at the ground and bit my lip.

"Evelyn, you have got to be fucking kidding me. I thought I told you to stop and I thought you promised."

"Kenneth, I've tried! Nothing works! I've relapsed more than a drunk or a smoker has. A fucking crack-head is probably doing better than I am!"

His eyes were fuming. I'd done the wrong fucking thing.

"You don't have to raise your voice at me, I wasn't yelling. Why'd you do it?"

"I.."

Why did I?

"I don't know Kenneth, I don't know."

He shook his head. With his other hand, he pulled the sleeve down more, seeing the more dangerous and deepest cuts I have ever done. He closed his mouth, it looked like he was biting on his lip, trying not to cry.

I yanked my arm out of his grip and made a run for it, heading to the track and field. Jen and Jeremy weren't in sight, which meant they were probably in the building.

"Evelyn!" I heard Kenneth yell. I ignored it and kept going until I reached the gate.

I could jump it now. Leave school, leave this place, and find a way out of my situation.

Find a way out of here.

I need to. Have to. It's the only thing I can do.

But I heard footsteps coming up behind me and I knew I had lost my chance.

"Damn boot camp for teaching him how to run so fast."

I turned and Kenneth grabbed me.

"I'm s-s-sorry. I just d-don't want you t-t-to go." He started stammering and that's when I broke down and told him exactly why I had cut.

My mom was controlling my life. Always telling me what I could do and what I couldn't do. Just recently, I have noticed how bad it really was. She was this type of monster, an unknown species. It scared me. A lot. I don't believe I've ever been more scared of my mom and what she can do than I have this past year. I cut.. because I try to control my own life. Try to replace as the emotional pain with physical pain. Try to replace things and people with cutting. Control my life and decide my own time of death. Decide what I want to do and how I want to do it. But recently, I learned things aren't meant that way. Never were, never will. Things happen to you for a reason but I tried escaping this one. Tried to run off and not believe any of this could be real. Could actually happen to only me. I don't know what to do anymore.

There's just no escaping this time.


End file.
